We have a lot to unlearn about relationships in our culture where love seems important but we check our brains at the door before we walk down the aisle. Michael (son of Gary Smalley) and Amy Smalley offer their expertise as marriage counselors and provide transparency from their own experiences in building a connected relationship that honors God.
Dating sites like eHarmony and match.com market their value by providing the service of linking two people together based on their compatability. According to a study from the book conducted by Pew Internet, 26% of American adults have gone on a date with a person they met through an online dating site. Compatability seems to be of some importance to us.
What is compatability anyway? Is it some mystical connection that nobody else can recognize on the surface? Mostly, the online assessments that these sites require their members to take, focus on their interests, hobbies, activities and their own assessment of their personalities. That’s about the extent of the compatability process.
I have to say, that the idea is pretty appealing. I think most people do want to end up with someone who shares the same interests as them. I suppose I wouldn’t mind having a wife who would enjoy watching Gator football, quoting characters from The Lord of the Rings, and jamming out to some Anberlin. But just sharing those commonalities is not going to promise a solid relationship.
“Sure, compatibility is great.” Michael says. ”Who would want to spend the rest of his or her life with someone who doesn’t share similar outlooks, desires, and tastes? Where Amy and I part ways with the online dating world is with the notion that all you need to succeed in love is to sprinkle the pixie dust of compatibility on the relationship and you’re a match.”
The key is to learn to love. To love as Christ loved the Church is to give of yourself for the the other person. The whole idea of marriage was to reflect the union between God and his people, so the relationship mimics the way Christ cared for His church. This is so easy for me to say too, because I am not married. But I understand that marriage is hard. If marriage wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be such a great endeavor.
However, there are five areas in which Michael and Amy feel it is necessary to be compatible:
1. Spiritual Beliefs
2. Personality Issues
3. Financial Management
4. Children and Parenting
5. Sexual Expectations
Apparently these are the top five topics to discuss in premarital counseling. Personally, I’m not dating anyone who doesn’t share my own spiritual beliefs, but some people don’t get to that topic until they realize they are having kids and they need to decide what church they want their kids to go to.
There was an instance cited in the book where Michael was talking to a woman that was going through some difficulties with her marriage. Michael asked her what they believed and she told him that she thought that issue may be part of the problem. Her husband was a Southern Baptist and she was a Wiccan. It’s not politically correct or very tolerant to criticize relationships of diversity, but when two people practice complete opposite views of faith, there will be problems in the relationship. If there are not problems in the relationship, they are not taking their faith seriously enough.
The Smalleys point to the fact that one may be okay with their significant other having a different religious background. It’s likely that they might begin to see difficulties when planning the wedding. This happened to Amy when she was engaged to her first fiance. She was raised Southern Baptist and he was a Catholic. This is probably one of the more common faith nuances that may be problematic. The issue being that most Catholics do not consider it legitimate if you have not been married within their church. It’s not difficult to see the practicality of this tradition, but it does make it tough if the other half of the family is grounded in Protestant roots (this is especially awkward if they are financially responsible for the wedding.)
Both sects claim the same Lord, both serve Him in their own capacities, and I believe that great men and women of faith have been nourished and groomed under each body of faith. However, there are some major differences in doctrine. Which leads to the next point.
Which statement of faith will you claim for your household? Which Bible will you use at home to raise your children? Where will you all be attending service Sunday morning? If faith matters to this couple, this is a big consideration. Am I saying it is impossible to pull off? No. I personally know quite a few couples such as these that have done quite well as a family and have stayed together in the faith. However, I know that a relationship such as this will not come without compromise. Michael and Amy Smalley seem to have the same perspective.
And that’s just concerning Protestants and Catholics. Christians and non-Christian couples present an entirely new set of challenges into which I won’t even venture. The quickest way to dismiss this topic to all serious Christians considering this is found in 2 Corinthians 6:14. (They should have already heard of this before).
Moving on from the dating sermon, I will just touch on a few more highlights of this read.
The Smalleys encourage making a top ten list. Some of them should be non-negotiables. These would be things that are important to the writer of the list. Examples of non-negotiables are their faith (and relationship with the Lord), integrity, and then whatever other qualities that are really important. It’s probably good advice to not get too tied up in specifics with the minor things you put on a list, otherwise we will have a world full of sixes (on the shallow ranking system) looking for tens. Does this analogy not make much sense? Read Brother, You’re Like a Six for more clarification.
I also liked that this book strongly recommends getting premarriage counseling, something that the majority of couples in the United States do not take advantage of. It’s important to prepare ahead of time. Do your personalities clash? If so, it’s worth your time to prepare a game plan to deal with it for the rest of your lives.
I think this was a decent read. Obviously not a book for children. It probably would not be a top pick for someone looking for an in-depth Bible study exegesis on marriage. Rather, it is highly anecdotal and light hearted from a Christian perspective while garnishing supporting scriptures to back its claims. I’d say anyone who is in a serious commited Christian relationship would find More than a Match a good addition to several other books they should read before tying the knot.
